Most of us don't like to think about "power" when we think about relationships. Intimate relationships involve sharing and cooperation - but it takes two to share and cooperate. What if one partner doesn't want to? Suddenly that person has more power.
Whoever wants less of a relationship has more power. The most obvious example of this principle is divorce. It just takes one person to end a relationship. It doesn't matter how much the other partner wants the marriage to work.
This basic principle can be seen in many smaller interactions. Dinner and a movie? Only if both partners want to. Sex? That too works best when it is consensual and cooperative. Certainly sex is not always consensual, but relationships don't usually last long after marital rape or other forms of non-consensual sex.
If this is the case, then how do relationships last? Trust is an essential component. When we trust our partner we are, in part, trusting that they won't leave. This trust is built gradually. If someone proves trustworthy in small ways we then take the risk of trusting them with even more.
Long-term relationships such as marraiges are usually not static. Couples drift apart and are pulled back together. When one partner pulls away, the other is often left feeling exposed and vulnerable. To return to a position of power he or she can pull back too, or alternatively can make an effort to rebuild a closer relationship, despite the fact that this is a riskier move.
Human relationships are about much more than power. These relationships are about intimacy, friendship, love, respect, curiosity, contentment, sharing, communication and much more. Despite this, it's still true that whoever wants less of a relationship has more power.
Last updated 11/8/05
