And therapists who are themselves fearful, for any reason, are of little help to those of us who are often puzzled by and frightened of our own behavior in relationships. Survivors who become trauma therapists before completing their own therapy are not serving anyone’s best interests. It is neither helpful nor altruistic -- it is self-serving and potentially damaging. Trauma clients need the calm, steady presence of a therapist who is fully present, not the illusion of a steady presence exhibited by a dissociated therapist. And just as a young, frightened child becomes more fearful if she recognizes fear in her caregiver and protector, trauma clients also tend to have heightened reactions to the perception of fear in a therapist. We often find it very difficult to differentiate between the past and present during periods of intense emotions.
The doc’s calm demeanor and unwavering presence when I am fearful of my own desires to hurt him during this confusion allow me to feel that rage in safety rather than act on it. This is extremely important to my continuing progress toward healing, because being abused did not teach me to be gentle and kind. Being abused taught me to go to extremes in order to get some needs met. It taught me to hurt others before they hurt me. It taught me to “take” what I need through boundary-busting behaviors when my attempts to meet needs are thwarted or denied. It taught me to hurt others by disguising anger with humor. Being abused taught me to be angry and distrustful, and it taught me to be especially wary of people who claim to care about me, and this includes the doc.
Reinacting the Past
Our work together is often difficult, painful and frustrating, and I sometimes wonder which of us suffers more when I reenact the past in our relationship, because that is when I am most likely to want to hurt him in some way. Sometimes I recognize a reenactment before I take aim and fire away, but becoming adept at recognizing reenactments before I act on those feelings takes a lot of practice, and in the meantime I am making a lot of mistakes. But it’s through those reenactments that I am learning enough about myself to know that my use of humor isn’t always just for fun, it‘s often aggressive… and that behaviors I once saw as self-protective are actually disguised attempts to retaliate… and that discovering personal information about the doc and sharing it with another client was done with the intent to hurt him, not because I needed someone to talk to.
There is only one thing more difficult in therapy than admitting to intentionally hurtful behavior… and that one thing is admitting it to the doc when he is my intended victim. There is nothing more painful than facing the one person in my life who consistently shows me kindness and compassion, even in my worst moments, and confessing to an action meant to cause him pain. But there is nothing I need more in therapy than the opportunity to be who I am, to let the doc know me, to let him into my life during my worst moments as well as my best. His refusal to give up, his ability to see beyond the difficulties I have in our relationship, and his continued compassion when I am at my worst help me find the courage to admit my hurtful actions to myself and to him, to face the pain I inflict upon others when I do not understand my own pain. The doc’s expectation of honesty is not something I am expected to give to him… it is a gift he has given to me.
Bonnie Burton
Saratoga Springs, NY
